Third Team ................James Britton

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10th October v Witan Res..................Div 4 South

Result Won 3-0

Woodsy's 3rd team recorded their first victory of the season with a solid 3-0 league win over an uncreative Witan 2nd team whose limitations first boiled over into crude fouls and then ultimately led to bookings and an unfortunate dismissal. (note to self: referees rarely like being branded 'cheats').

Without big, bad and burly centre half Kev who last week broke his leg playing against 12 year olds (insert joke here), Gaffer Woodsy brought back recent absentee Britton. Britton partnered Woods in a centre half combination that proves the adage that increasing age brings with it a direct decrease in speed and a move into more defensive duties, its at a similar stage in life you trade in the coupe for the estate, unless you are Neil 'Strangely Effective' Johnston where things begin to go backwards.

Chippy Norton, outstanding in last week's narrow 2-1 cup defeat away at Tenisonians started right back with Nick Lewis left back. Nick got to the game a full 30 minutes before kick off and, with 29 minutes to kill, promptly began playing a bizarre game of hide and seek with his alter-ego, Nicholas Lewis-Promptson or Promptonian, East Prompthamshire. First starting in the car park Nick hid, slowly crouching behind a series of 22 separate vehicles and became so confident that at one point he taunted his more sensible personality sharer Nicholas with bizarre calls of; "catch me if you can, catch me if you can, I am the same as you but with a far less thought out and cohesive travel plan". In the end and with 5 minutes to prior to kick off we enlisted Richie 'PC Copper' Backhurst to find him. Whilst Backhurst has lost much of his youthful anger and has over the years neglected to stoke his internal fire of hatred for the general public, he did return successfully with Nick, some knocked off gypsy gold from one of the 7's players ears and a handcuffed Dirty Den, who we alll thought had been shot in 1992 (apparently he had simply been doing basic admin and some financial data entry for Chef, oblivious to the fuss surrounding him). You couldn't make it up.

A midfield duo of Chris and the rejuvenated and yet recently engaged (surely a sick contradiction?) James Hirst, looked both solid and also creative, Rhino the Gladiator with a paintbrush if you will. Continuing the Gladiators theme PC Backhurst was on the right, Rome-ing the flank with pace and trickery. Oh dear James. Left wing was Anthony 'Toby's Mate' Tony, interesting fact of the day was that Anthony was born and grew up in Wales but also apparently attended school. Bless, holding a canary cage and lighting rolled up cigarettes for Thatcher-hating inbreds is a type of education Anthony yes, but one these days is only likely to get you sent to prison.........or upfront for the 2's.

Talking of playing up front for the 2's, we had our pair of 'Judai' up front in Toby and Liam. I jest of course, Liam has never scored a flying header of an own goal in the last 5 minutes from 20 yards whilst defending a corner and we love him like a middle child, not quite as much as the 1st or 2nd but we do feed him well to make up for the lack of real love. Whereas Tobias....

Old Wokes 3's started the game with surprising pace and despite the knowledge that Witan had won the 4's league last season were on top. Backhurst down the right was causing all sorts of mayhem whilst Hirst and Chris in central midfield were dicatating play and Welsh Anthony, who we'll now refer to as 'Kinnock' was troubling the right side of Witan's defence, aided and abetted by the man we call Nick Lewis.

1-0 came when a terrific through ball from Toby Older reached his fellow striker Liam. Turning on a sixpence, Liam ran on to smash a smart volley against the Witan goalkeeper. Unable to hold the hot potato that Liam threw him, the rebound came back to the boy Liam who followed up with great due diligence and no little power to put Old Wokes a goal to the good.

1-0 up but not having really started the game, the Old Wokes defence came under some defensive pressue and were a little weak under that pressure. Thankfully the consistently outstanding James Shilling was on hand (pardon the pun) to save us on two occasions.

Old Wokes pushed forwards again and with their midfield dominating, there were chances for Kinnock, Backhurst and Liam. On top, Old Wokes took advantage and got their due reward moments before half time when more industriousness from Kinnock and Chris led to the ball dipping over Liam's head. Like David Platt, receiving that gloriously lofted ball from Gascoigne during Italia 90 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtqiBAg2biw Liam took the ball coming over his shoulder not like a problem but like an old friend. That old friend was dispatched with the sort of powerful volley of abuse that is usually reserved for domestic violence and dispatched wiith the sort of efficiency usually reserved for Andy Russell first touches.

2-0 up at half time but Old Wokes 3's knew in all honesty that they hadn't really played very well. There was the moment that Woodsy let a through ball bounce 19 times before clearing, the tiime when an attempt at offside was effective as a Hulsey chat up line and that corner that only didn't result in a goal because of Witan's inability to take advantage of their striker's prowess in the air.

The second half blew hot and cold with neither team making a consistent effort at scoring. Backhurst ran out of steam / political and social hatred and was replaced with the solid Chippy directly behind him also replaced despite and excellent game shortly afterwards.

Toby dropped back to left midfield and with this move we lost a solid outlet from defence. Saying that, his replacement, Lee Cooke, held up the ball well and teased Witan into a number of challenges resulting in free kicks to the home side. Tricky feet from Cooke also almost ended in a goal but he shot wide after turning two of the away defenders inside out.

With the game getting tetchy, the Witan striker took out Shilling with a hugely un-Old Boys challenge. 2-0 up and with their hosts getting a little bit above themselves, Old Wokes 3's raised their game to end it on their own terms. With midfielder Chris outstanding and Hirst equally as effective, the 3's pushed on....

With minutes to play, a through ball left Liam with lots of work to do, shrugging off his marker with the sort of strength usually reserved for angry bears, Liam put his marker to the floor fairly before lobbing the ball over the keeper with the casual ease of an old vending machine pushing out it's 219th kit cat.

3-0 and Old Wokes 3's back to winning ways, it was a good day. With our talisman Kev 'he was big' Holland on the touchlines it was as good a result as it was a performance BUT THERE IS STILL MORE LEFT.

Jugs pervaded the next 4 hours, MOM, Spoon, Woodsy winning the scorecard, debut jugs, Britton's apology jug, Kinnock being welsh (with a small 'w') jug, Liam hatrick jug it was all there as was the banter. Good times.

We missed Baker and will miss Chris this week but we have Stevie Gray and others to come back so have a squad that if it gets near consistent is very capable of automatic promotion.

Spoon went to Nick Lewis because of his Swan Lake pirouette and MOM went to Chris on the basis that Liam was getting a hatrick jug anyway and Britton was doing the same. 3rd best bought a jug and bless his cotton socks had the naievity to tell us he's seeing John Stent's daughter...more of that at a later date.

Last but not least of all, none of the 3's players came out of the showers post game with wet feet..."hang on Nurse, why is that?" - I'm glad you asked. The reason is because Chris 'B&Q' Norton had supplied each and every player with a square yard of carpet. I'm sure at the time it seemed like an inspired idea but it fell on deaf ears and became a laughing point. That said, and I only speak for myself here, I have not only kept my piece of carpet and will be bringing it to the next game but when I stepped outside of my home shower on Sunday, strangely, and I do doubt myself a little bit here, I did wonder where my little piece of carpet was.

Next up: Citigroup in Catford. Jesus.

pps: Calamity James Britton has locked his bike to a railing by his work by the Sanderson and then lost his key, I need a pair of bolt cutters that can get through a £50 D-Lock and am willing to borrow it for a week for £20...........any takers or offers in the club?

Word of the week: Judai

England goalkeeper who was Britton's centre half at Bishop Reindorp of the week: Robert Green

Food of the week: Lettuce

3's historical player of the week: Steve Cowlard / Richard Parsonage / Rob 'Up Peri' Scopes

19th September v Wood Green OB IV..................AFA Minor Cup

Result Lost 4-5

My Old Wokes 3's lost their first competitive outing to an enthusiastic but ultimately limited Wood Green team who took full advantage of slack defending from their hosts to triumph 5-4.

In a game that saw 9 goals in 90 minutes, the resounding feeling of the home team will be one of this game being a missed opportunity to prosper in the AFA cup and begin their season on a winning note.

On a balmy September Saturday the 3's started the game like a week old satsuma, easy to open up and soft to the core. Two goals were conceded in quick succession due to a combination of poor defending and opportunistic finishing. Poor Shilling in goal was trying to marshall a defence that were more maleable to attacking heat than the crumbliest flakiest milk chocolate, a flake.

2-0 down due to their soft centre shell, the 3's woke up to the realisation that they were in fact playing the better football and responded suitably. Pressure on Wood Green had the intended result and great play from first PC Copper and then the outstanding Adam Baker put the 3rd's back in the game at 2-2.

Just at the point when we were ascending to our natural position of superiority, poor communication led to a 3rd tap in for Wood Green to re-take a lead that they deserved no more than Prince Andrew has earned his helicopter.

Karma revealed it's pretty head early in the 2nd half and just as Prince Andy ended up with two ginger kids, Old Wokes scored their 3rd goal to make the game once again a tense affair.

The 3rd's inability to keep mediocre attacking from the door led to Wood Green taking a 4-3 lead before a wonderful 30 yard lob from Toby Older brought the score level once more. In temperatures akin to a Steve Cowlard tanning salon, Old Wokes conceded a 5th that was wrapped up with a bow and polite invitation to the next round attached.

With 2 minutes to go Old Wokes pressed for a deserved equaliser and had a good shout for a penalty turned down by the otherwise outstanding referee. Wood Green triumphed 5-4 and on the day were good value for their victory. Asides from a competitive game they provided both a spirit of fair play usually unseen these days and a supporting female fan that was nothing short of outstanding in terms of both her posture and well defined bottom. Supported by a nice set of cheek bones and jeans that were tighter than a Ray Kearney parking spot she will surely prosper in any situation that involves her with less clothes on. I'm thinking La Senza changing rooms, hockey games, away day spa weekends and naked tennis to name but a few of the thoughts I and Toby had earlier today (naked tennis was Toby's, after a brief 3 hour discussion we concluded that was silly talk but I include it because it involves the words 'naked' and 'tennis')

I digress but to conclude a game that the 3rd's can learn a lot from for their upcoming league season which beckons next week. A 5th place position last season will surely be bettered with a squad that looks as bloated as a Steve Taylor summer. Many thanks to Wood Green for their honest sportsmanship and a genuine pleasure to be refereed by a chap who was as excellent in his decisions as he was personable.

MOM - Adam Baker (for his energy and no lack of classy touches)

Spoon - Toby Older (for taking a phone call during a break in play when our centre half Kev was injured)

Noteable mentions: Stevie Gray for 2 assists and all round action man, Nick Lewis for injuring himself digging his garden up last Sunday and Chippy for the comment; "I'm not an agressive player but sometimes when a forward player is backing into you you have to respond with a firm thumb up his bottom". With a straight face. Superb effort.